Because you know you want a drink

I have a confession to make: I didn't plan to follow yesterday's SCOTUS announcement very closely. I suppose I'm cynical enough to look suspiciously on even the most conservative ruling, and modest enough to admit that I have sufficient knowledge of neither Constitutional law nor the legislation itself to contribute meaningfully to any conversations.

But already by 9am, from the obscurity of my sad little bedroom in suburbia, I'd been infected with the feeling of some kind of holiday-- mind you, my circle is pretty overwhelmingly politically minded, so I don't presume that everyone had this experience, but without seeking it out I was bombarded-- in my inbox, on Facebook, even on Tumblr-- by people reading, reflecting, raging, rejoicing. I knew that I could've started an unprefaced conversation about anything from the 10th Amendment to Citizens United with anyone on my gchat contacts list and he would've been right there with me. Maybe it's because I'm starved for civilization and human contact out here in Suffolk County, but I found that kind of unspoken shared awareness refreshing and even exhilarating. 

Before I knew it I was flipping through an ever increasing number of tabs, scanning liveblogs, collecting hashtags, and, of course, silently judging those friends who hadn't thrown themselves headlong into the rumbling tsunami of analysis and speculation as I had.

I didn't emerge with nothing but salt and a ringing in my ears, but I'll save my own spurious musings for another time-- for now, I thought I'd express myself a bit more creatively: in drink.  

The ACA-Tax

Because some types of inactivity are party fouls.

• 1.5oz Fleischmann's* vodka, warm

Offer to everyone, force those who don't empty their shooters to pay.
*Other bottom shelf vodkas such as Dubra, Popov, and Poland Spring may be substituted. Embarrassing American attempts to imitate Swedish brands preferred. The truly daring and/or spiteful may use Malört.

 
The Marbury v Madison Twist

It'll get you drunk, but not in the way you'd hoped-- and the strength of your liver will never be the same.

• 1.5oz tequila
• 1.5oz gin
• 1 oz club soda
• 1/2 oz lime juice

Shake over ice, garnish with lime spiral, run in the opposite direction.

The Chief Justice

This foxy number isn't easy to read.

• 1oz sweet vermouth
• 1oz dry vermouth
• dash Fee's Old Fashion bitters

Shake vermouths separately to chill, mix in glass, top with bitters, drink til you're sure that Roberts privileged judicial restraint over a solid originalist reading-- or that he championed dual sovereignty by succumbing to judicial activism-- or...

The man has one facial expression, and it's this. 

The Randy Barnett

Activity tonight, inactivity tomorrow!

• 1oz absinthe
• 1oz vodka
• 2.5oz Red Bull

Believe me, you'll know the difference (even if you won't remember why).

Cards on the table, I involuntarily aaaaw'd when I saw this photo.
(Randy Barnett at Lysander Spooner's grave.)

The Commerce Clause

It'll let you be what you want to be and do what you want to do.

• 2oz vodka
• 1/2oz blue curacao
• 1.5oz pineapple juice

The National Federation of Independent Business v. Sebelius*

Interesti-- wait, what the hell is going on? I... oh, fuck it.

• 3/4oz Irish whiskey
• 1oz red wine
• 1/2oz Tuaca
• 1/4oz lemon juice
• two dashes Bitter Truth Creole bitters

Drain a coconut, dry on roof for 23 hours, disinfect with boiling orange flower water, let dry in slightly warmed oven. Pour in whiskey, wine, Tuaca, and lemon juice. Shrink wrap coconut, cook sous vide at 50°C for 14 minutes. Still in airtight plastic, bring to Congressional baseball game. From pitcher's mound, thrust coconut in the direction of home plate. After the second out, pierce plastic and strain into a chilled rocks glass with one large spherical ice cube two inches in diameter. Serve to Vice-President Biden.

*Loosely inspired by "The Twee Barber", courtesy of Nick Detrich at New Orleans's notorious Cure.