Because you know you want a drink

I have a confession to make: I didn't plan to follow yesterday's SCOTUS announcement very closely. I suppose I'm cynical enough to look suspiciously on even the most conservative ruling, and modest enough to admit that I have sufficient knowledge of neither Constitutional law nor the legislation itself to contribute meaningfully to any conversations.

But already by 9am, from the obscurity of my sad little bedroom in suburbia, I'd been infected with the feeling of some kind of holiday-- mind you, my circle is pretty overwhelmingly politically minded, so I don't presume that everyone had this experience, but without seeking it out I was bombarded-- in my inbox, on Facebook, even on Tumblr-- by people reading, reflecting, raging, rejoicing. I knew that I could've started an unprefaced conversation about anything from the 10th Amendment to Citizens United with anyone on my gchat contacts list and he would've been right there with me. Maybe it's because I'm starved for civilization and human contact out here in Suffolk County, but I found that kind of unspoken shared awareness refreshing and even exhilarating. 

Before I knew it I was flipping through an ever increasing number of tabs, scanning liveblogs, collecting hashtags, and, of course, silently judging those friends who hadn't thrown themselves headlong into the rumbling tsunami of analysis and speculation as I had.

I didn't emerge with nothing but salt and a ringing in my ears, but I'll save my own spurious musings for another time-- for now, I thought I'd express myself a bit more creatively: in drink.  

The ACA-Tax

Because some types of inactivity are party fouls.

• 1.5oz Fleischmann's* vodka, warm

Offer to everyone, force those who don't empty their shooters to pay.
*Other bottom shelf vodkas such as Dubra, Popov, and Poland Spring may be substituted. Embarrassing American attempts to imitate Swedish brands preferred. The truly daring and/or spiteful may use Malört.

 
The Marbury v Madison Twist

It'll get you drunk, but not in the way you'd hoped-- and the strength of your liver will never be the same.

• 1.5oz tequila
• 1.5oz gin
• 1 oz club soda
• 1/2 oz lime juice

Shake over ice, garnish with lime spiral, run in the opposite direction.

The Chief Justice

This foxy number isn't easy to read.

• 1oz sweet vermouth
• 1oz dry vermouth
• dash Fee's Old Fashion bitters

Shake vermouths separately to chill, mix in glass, top with bitters, drink til you're sure that Roberts privileged judicial restraint over a solid originalist reading-- or that he championed dual sovereignty by succumbing to judicial activism-- or...

The man has one facial expression, and it's this. 

The Randy Barnett

Activity tonight, inactivity tomorrow!

• 1oz absinthe
• 1oz vodka
• 2.5oz Red Bull

Believe me, you'll know the difference (even if you won't remember why).

Cards on the table, I involuntarily aaaaw'd when I saw this photo.
(Randy Barnett at Lysander Spooner's grave.)

The Commerce Clause

It'll let you be what you want to be and do what you want to do.

• 2oz vodka
• 1/2oz blue curacao
• 1.5oz pineapple juice

The National Federation of Independent Business v. Sebelius*

Interesti-- wait, what the hell is going on? I... oh, fuck it.

• 3/4oz Irish whiskey
• 1oz red wine
• 1/2oz Tuaca
• 1/4oz lemon juice
• two dashes Bitter Truth Creole bitters

Drain a coconut, dry on roof for 23 hours, disinfect with boiling orange flower water, let dry in slightly warmed oven. Pour in whiskey, wine, Tuaca, and lemon juice. Shrink wrap coconut, cook sous vide at 50°C for 14 minutes. Still in airtight plastic, bring to Congressional baseball game. From pitcher's mound, thrust coconut in the direction of home plate. After the second out, pierce plastic and strain into a chilled rocks glass with one large spherical ice cube two inches in diameter. Serve to Vice-President Biden.

*Loosely inspired by "The Twee Barber", courtesy of Nick Detrich at New Orleans's notorious Cure.

In which pretension takes many forms

1. I finally gave in and started myself a tumblr.

2. I realized that all the creaky nuts and bolts in my brain that start turning when I cook also rev up when reading about proper cocktails. I fear, o my brothers, that I am becoming a liquor snob. To that end, here's my current bar (limited, of course, by my budget):

• Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey
• Ruskova Vodka
• Green Chartreuse
• Leroux Creme de Cacao
• Paolo Lazzaroni & Figli Maraschino
• Kraken Black Rum
• Kahlua*

Some cocktails I've enjoyed with that bizarre collection of bottles (NB: when I mean juice, I write juice; if not assume the real thing):

The Final Ward

Courtesy of Phil Ward at Death & Co, a bar I almost had the pleasure of visiting a few weeks ago when I was in the East Village. Rye, green chartreuse, maraschino, and lemon juice-- had to sub in Jack for the rye, and while it was still incredibly delicious, the sweetness of the Jack was really too much. Still, one of the best cocktails I've had recently-- go for it.

Pago Pago

What it's supposed to be: gold rum, pineapple, lime juice, green chartreuse, white creme de cacao.

What I drank: that, with regular creme de cacao instead (was lucky enough to be with a friend who had some gold rum on hand at the time).

I am always pretty skeptical of creme de cacao and bought it only because I've heard it can work wonders with chartreuse, so expect some experimentation on that front. This one, at least, was pretty good.

"Pineapple Julep with Ginger"

Put this one in quotes because I'm not sure how fair it is to call this a julep, but hey, I had some ginger beer laying around I'd been meaning to get rid of, so why not? Bourbon (used Jack), simple syrup (skipped it), ginger beer, pineapple, and mint. I didn't have any mint, and man was I sad-- this is a perfectly passable summer drink as is, but I think the mint would've leveled it up.

The Black Pearl

This sounded fascinating right from the start: black rum, light rum, pineapple juice, balsamic reduction, and ginger beer. I wanted to try this just to see how the balsamic reduction fit in, but by the time I got to it (I was at a friend's showing off my new shaker that night) I was too lazy to whip some up. So, minus the balsamic,  and with gold instead of light, it's certainly tasty, but nothing particularly interesting, and I can think of better things to do with the Kraken. I do intend to mix it up proper at some point, though, so stay tuned.

With all that in mind, what do you suggest? I know, I know, I need to get my hands on some gin if I really want to mix with chartreuse, and probably pick up some blood orange bitters-- but if you have suggestions, fire away!

*I like Kahlua in espresso "martinis", sometimes. There, I said it. Your disdain has no power over me.

Founders Imperial Stout (Review)

I've always been more of a defender of book cover-judging than most, but especially when it comes to beer. The first beer I ever liked was North Coast's Russian Imperial Stout Old Rasputin, which I ordered solely because of its name. The double headed eagle on this gorgeous Founders Imperial Stout similarly heralds glad tidings.

Since the exquisite Cask Republic opened in New Haven in early 2011 I've been spending ever more of my bar budget (read: the contents of my wallet not earmarked for other poisons) on imperial IPAs, since they tend to have a lower price-to-ABV ratio than my beloved dark beers. Now that I'm back on Long Island for a bit, I visited the local beer distributor and picked up a pack of these babies, having had only the best experiences with Founders (the Dirty Bastard in particular comes to mind).

Like going back to vodka after a semester of bourbon, my very first sip reminded me why my heart lies far east of the Rhine*.

This stuff pours like motor oil-- some dark elixir of bitterness meted out in small vials during the reign of Richard III, flowing like an endless silk handkerchief from a felled magician's sleeve into the glass. I didn't have the proper glassware for it (something more akin to a brandy snifter is more appropriate), but I didn't mind, since the smaller circumference of the glass kept the head alive for quite a while. This thing is chewy and resilient; the head's got a deep caramel color to it and looks so solid I could float a wafer on it (actually, I probably could have).

With 90 IBUs this stout isn't for the faint of heart-- I've never had a beer so bitter I didn't like it, so I was in heaven. Have you ever had a really strong dark chocolate, like 70 or 80% cocoa? If you didn't like that, I'm not sure you'd like this. It's 10.5% ABV so if you're used to weaker beers, prepare yourself-- it goes down pretty easy, although as it warms up in the glass the ethanol does assert itself a little more. Beers like this should be served at what's called "cellar temperature" (50-55 degrees), so if you're looking for something to cool yourself off in these June days go find a pilsner or something (I've always found a nice maibock works well, personally).

Make sure you give this a proper smell (this is where the brandy snifter is helpful)-- as any wine or beer snob will tell you, scent strongly affects taste, so if you just go at it without acclimating your olfactories you're missing out.

There's not much carbonation here, in keeping with its overall weight, and this isn't a beer to rush through, or to accompany food. If you think Guinness is heavy, well, you're downright mistaken-- I can tackle a Guinness and a burger easily, but this one's gonna demand your full attention, and you won't be sorry to give it. Particularly toward the end it almost recalled some barleywines I've had in terms of mouth feel, so if you like a poppy beer this brew's not for you. If you like Guinness, you might still enjoy this beer, but be warned: dry and/or Irish stouts are lighter in about everything but color (lower ABV, less bitter, less heavy), so while I'll never sway anyone from trying an excellent beer, you might want to work your way up to this one.

In 2010 this beer took home the bronze for American-Style Imperial Stouts in the World Beer Cup, in case it's pedigree you're after. I read it described somewhere as "a contemplative beer", and I can't say I disagree-- it's a lot to take in, and while I've had more than one in a sitting before I wouldn't necessarily recommend it. The flavors and weight can get overpowering after a while, and now that I'm on my second six-pack of the stuff in two weeks I think it's best when balanced out by a nice simple ale, or even cider.

Happy drinking, folks-- maybe next time I won't review something horribly out-of-season.

PS: For those curious, I did graduate. Onward and upward, I suppose.

*"Russian Imperial Stouts" come from England. Also this is technically an American-Style Imperial Stout, but I won't say anything if you won't.

How I feel during primary season

"A very handsome young man had come up to our table in a state of extreme anger; he was even angrier than any of the angry young men in Dalmatia. He evidently knew Constantine and the judge and the banker, but he did not give them any formal greeting. Though his hair was bronze and his eyes crackled with blueness, and he might have been brother to the two Moslems we had seen talking politics in the park that afternoon, he cried out, 'What about the accursed Turks?' 

The judge and banker made no reply, but Constantine said, 'Well, it was not I who made them.' 

The young man insisted, 'But you serve our precious Government, don't you?' 

'Yes,' said Constantine, 'for the sake of my country, and perhaps a little for the sake of my soul, I have given up the deep peace of being in opposition.'" (BLGF)

This one goes out to all my radical libertarian friends who are too good for the GOP, too pure for anyone but Ron Paul, and too utopian to be meaningfully invested in this country, this government, this year. I love you, but grow up, and stop using ideological rigor to justify your ignorance and detachment. You can bellow from within or snark from without. You tell me which one got Rand Paul elected Senator. The party ain't gonna come to you.

The GOP's come a long way in the past few years-- libertarianism has too. We're not just the War Party anymore, whether we're talking American culture or the Middle East. Hell, there are more elected Republicans openly questioning and opposing the drug war and advocating marijuana decriminalization/legalization than there are Democrats-- one of our guys got Willie freaking Nelson's endorsement; even Glenn Beck and Andrew Napolitano are pro-legalization! Prominent Republicans like Paul Ryan and Eric Cantor have said time and again that they're willing to cut defense spending, and even that worthless pile of hair spray and Vaseline Mitt Romney is leaning on federalism (or, to use a more taboo phrase, "state's rights") to explain his horrendous legislative record. We have Scott Walker making himself one of the most hated men in the country (well, certain parts of it) fighting for a responsible budget in Wisconsin and Chris Christie telling policemen their union contracts are "obscene" in New Jersey. Tim Pawlenty signed an executive order forbidding state agencies from applying for federal funding for programs tied to Obamacare, and then went on television and likened the federal government to a drug dealer. There are worse times to be a libertarian Republican.

This is Former Governor of Minnesota Tim Pawlenty being adorable with children. He gets higher ratings from Cato's fiscal policy report card than Mitch Daniels. Wake up.

Even if you think a lot of this is just talk, what does it tell you that putting a small gov't spin on things sells? You don't have to look farther than Newt "I love the 90s" Gingrich to see that nowadays we're dealing with a different breed of elephant. How'd we get here? Well, let me tell you, the best thing Ron Paul ever did for this country was keep an R next to his name.

Do we have a long way to go? Hell yes, of course we do, and I'm still in favor of all manner of ballot access and electoral reforms. But if you want to take what little momentum we have and keep it going, if you're tired of having nothing to differentiate Rs from Ds but the size of their American flag pins, if you understand that the State is harder to pare back than the Lernaean hydra and we don't have time to waste waiting for Barry Goldwater 2.0, then make sure you're a registered Republican.

And for the love of God, don't vote for Mitt Romney.

PS: In case any of you have lingering hopes for "liberaltarianism" (though I do so hope that my readers are more intelligent than that), check out Mother Jones, noted "progressive" publication, attacking our boy Ron.

I'll show yous unsustainable!

"Bout Wants Computer, Vegetables"

That would be upstanding Russian businessman Viktor Bout, currently "awaiting trial in the United States on terrorism and arms trading charges." Ever see Lord of War (AKA The Last Time You'll Be Able To Take Nicolas Cage Seriously For A While)? His character, "Yuri Orlov", was apparently based in large part on poor Viktor Anatolyevitch.

Bout in 2010, looking more like Ron Swanson than Nic Cage

Bout has been in custody since 2008, although he wasn't extradited to the United States (from Thailand, where he was arrested) until 2010. Having been in the land of the free for nearly six months now, he's decided it's time to speak out against the grave injustices being visited upon him: the prison where he is being held "does not cater to vegetarians".

I bring this up not to encourage needless cruelty to any man, (alleged) criminal or otherwise, nor to offer my take on the legality of the extradition, nor to gush about how dreamy Mr Cage was in the aforementioned film (although oh, honey, he was!) but to ask: why did he think he could make this complaint at all? Whom did he expect to listen?

Americans, of course. Because we're radical individualists-- which is to say, we're terrified of hearing the word “no”-- even if it's an echo ringing down an empty hallway.

It's not a bad instinct, given that the only voice most of us listen to nowdays is that of the State. Even if I have been reading a lot of Peter Lawler lately I'm still too much of a libertarian to be comfortable with US Courts examining the “sincerity of prisoners' religious beliefs” to determine whether they qualify for kosher meals.

“The courts have ruled that a person should have the right to choose his or her religion and be allowed to practice it in prison as they would in the community. The courts also said that a person’s religious belief is that which he or she feels in their heart. In response, the Department allowed offenders to switch their religion easily and fairly regularly. It didn’t take long, however, for offenders placed in disciplinary segregation to claim to be Jewish in order to receive sealed, pre-packaged Kosher food because they did not want to be given food delivered by other offenders who might put something in their food, even though correction officers were watching. Before we knew it, the number of Kosher meals being served went from very few to many, at an unacceptable and unnecessary cost. In the end, we had to revise the policy regarding how often one could change his or her religion. The need to balance the rights of offenders with the ability to manage a prison was the real issue here.”

- Brian Fischer, Commissioner of the NY State Dep't of Correctional Facilities

The worst part is that I bet that sounds reasonable to some of you.

I began this post in something of a sleep deprived delirium (according to some 4am scribblings I was supposed to tie this into an episode of Father Ted where Father Dougal is trapped in a milk truck that will explode if it goes slower than 4 mph; when Father Ted tells the other priests they have to “do something practical, something that will really help Dougal,” they set up a moving altar hitched to a tractor and say a Mass alongside the milk truck-- if you can figure out what the hell that has to do with the sanctity of vegetarianism do let me know), but I've found a new track now, and it's gloomy, but seems to be going in the right direction: pluralism is doomed—meaningful pluralism—you know, the kind composed of norms, rites, and rituals that can't, won't, be sloughed off to better manage a prison.

Sorry, meant "meaningful pluralism in a statist society". None but the Great Lidless Eye of the State would be so driven to categorize, legalize, equalize, homogenize, and so nowhere but in its realm would the people write essays like "IS ETHICAL VEGANISM A RELIGION?" so that their animal rights activist buddies can finally exercise their right to vegan footwear in the pen.

Perhaps this is what Don Colacho meant when he wrote that "a bureaucracy ultimately always ends up costing the people more than an upper class." Does an upper class have the ability to completely redefine our most cherished cultural institutions? Does it do so for the sake of paperwork? Does it force square pegs into round holes to better achieve equality? Does it create and perpetuate false categories and equivalences in the name of fairness and order? 

I'll just let him finish this up for me:

"Modern man believes he lives amidst a pluralism of opinions, when what prevails today is a stifling unanimity. ... The sinister uniformity that threatens us will not be imposed by a doctrine, but by a uniform economic and social conditioning. ... The necessary and sufficient condition of despotism is the disappearance of every kind of social authority not conferred by the State."

Behold, the fruits of our freedom.

It is good to reject the "no" of the State, but in rejecting all denial we lose all that we would affirm.

Crazy People Acting Conservative, indeed!

I'll be leaving for DC in just a few short hours. Will eventually have some longer posts covering it, but I'll also be tweeting up a storm. Hunt the snark: http://twitter.com/#!/tristyn_bloom

Been watching some of the speeches online courtesy of C-SPAN today; here are my reactions to Gingrich's speech (start at the bottom and work your way up):

tristyn_bloom Tristyn Bloom

"I believe you can love nature+be a conservative" Gingrich already abandoned futurism,no longer laughing @ us from the height of skyscrapers

45 minutes ago Favorite Reply Delete

tristyn_bloom Tristyn Bloom

"I'm a futurist." - Newt Gingrich. SO MANY MALEVICH AND MAYAKOVSKY JOKES. Can't pick just one. Oh, man. #CPAC

49 minutes ago Favorite Reply Delete

tristyn_bloom Tristyn Bloom

Newt's "environmental friends"? Does that mean singing chipmunks a la Snow White? #CPAC

52 minutes ago

tristyn_bloom Tristyn Bloom

"The number 1 job today is creating jobs... America only works when Americans are working..." Newt as Chauncey Gardiner? #CPAC

1 hour ago

tristyn_bloom Tristyn Bloom

Fuck yeah Calvin Coolidge! #CPAC

1 hour ago

tristyn_bloom Tristyn Bloom

"Barack Obama is no Ronald Reagan" is a thing that needed saying?... #CPAC

1 hour ago

tristyn_bloom Tristyn Bloom

2+2=5 is sometimes a very charming little thing... (The Underground Man is clearly a goldbug, by the way.) #CPAC

1 hour ago

tristyn_bloom Tristyn Bloom

Bold colors, not pale pastels. ZOOT SUITS in 2012! #CPAC

1 hour ago

tristyn_bloom Tristyn Bloom

Okay, the music introducing Gingrich is hilarious. And then kind of sad. And then hilarious again. #CPAC

I'm strongly considering making a FUTURISTS FOR GINGRICH page sometime this weekend. Stay tuned.